WHEN LOVE HURTS
Has a holiday left you feeling sad or depressed?
This Valentines Day has prompted me to really think about love and how this hurts at times. I have been through a lot of miscarriages and 3 of them which ended and I had to go to the hospital to have a D & C.
We have 11 Children. however, I went through 2 years of miscarriages back to back after our 6th child. This was a very difficult time for me and my husband and even the children living. There are no words to describe what I went through emotionally, physically and spritiually.
I just want to say that when I miscarried each and every time it was like a part of my soul was taken. It is a grief that cannot be described because the pain is intense. I also went through the questions of, what did I do wrong? Did I eat something that was bad? Did I not take enough vitamins? The list goes on.
The very first miscarriage I had was after our 3rd child. I was 11 weeks and went in for my second check-up, where they do the first ultrasound. I was having the ultrasound and the nurse left the room and came back with the doctor and he told me there was no heartbeat. I was by myself and I just did not know what to say or think. I called my husband right away and told him. The doctor had given me a choice of having the miscarriage on my own or I could have a D & C. I went home and waited a couple of days not wanting to believe the doctor. Four days went by and I began to bleed. I knew I could not go on. We called the doctor and I was admitted the next day for surgery. I had two other miscarriages like this one but those were 12 weeks apart. On the second I lost it and went through a litany of things I would give my husband permission to do if I did not come out of the hospital. Crazy, I know, but when we are under stress and grief we can say and think thoughts that are not normal.
Futhermore, there was a time when I was about 7 weeks along and began to miscarry. It was very difficult because we had 4 small children at the time and my husband had to be out of town. We had no relatives that lived near by. I was an emotional wreck and I remember asking myself how can I do this? I had to dig deep and I really cried out to the Lord for help. I am not here to tell you that by crying out my circumstances all became better. In fact, I knew in my mind that I had to fight bitterness and resentment against my husband for not canceling his business trip. I was mad and hurting and all I wanted to do was runaway. I knew that was not possible with 4 small children. The weekend went by and I miscarried and felt all alone. It was hard!
The hope I want to share with you is my faith. I could not have gotten through these miscarriages without my faith in the Lord. I had to dig deep into my heart and scripture. This was a test on my faith. I was faced with two choices. Believe the word of God or not believe. I went all in on believing. I took the word and meditated on it and really took the promises as my own. I turned them into prayers and searched scriptures on hurt, anxiety, depression and hope. This was not easy at first because I was dealing with grief and hurt. In fact, reading the scripture brought healing and peace to my heart which in turn brought healing to my body. I am going to leave you with some scriptures that got me through and helped me hold on tight until I could begin to hope and believe again for more children.
Isaiah 26:3 was the scripture that got me through the darkness. Every time my thoughts tried to go down a dark path of self-pity, I would say this scripture over and over until it became part of me!
DON'T GIVE UP HOPE
Pain is real. but so is hope